1/1/02 - Not an Auspicious Start (5:11 PM)

Ahh, that all too familiar feeling. The white-hot, dark, boiling rage that flows up from within and heightens my volume and possesses my tongue. But not the dramatic emphasis of the melodramatic bardic prose but rather the darker side of speech. It's not truly a massive injustice but I've been stripped of my friends of all of my gaming friends (gathered together in total for the first time in several months) to visit and dine with family who I have seen about thirty times too many in the past month of so. Those two components are aggravating, but to further elevate my rage, my infernal tormentor and antagonist (as well as, I concede, protector and genesis) tried to reverse the blame with "If only you had had your cell phone on, we could have called and you could have said no." AS IF! We all know that even if I had said no, the response would've been "too bad, you're going anyways." And I had mentioned negatively beforehand towards the notion of more family time. In fact anyone who couldn't see that I, or my brother, were sick of togetherness is a complete moron who has no perception and even less capability to reason at all! So here I set, distancing myself in the parlor, storehouse of fragile memories, and drink the only thing I could find. A pitiful concoction of that is one part diet ginger ale and two parts flat root beer. The rage has now had more than half an hour for its slow burn to encompass, singe, and pass through and beyond my total being. The aftermath is never pretty. But what can I do to vent?! Nothing! I don't have something to beat upon, my darker words cause only scorn upon myself and further taint to my muse spirit. I have no one to hold me and lend me sweet nothings in an airy voice to be returned tenfold by myself unto when mine own heart for such words has lost its present ailment. And to elevate this entire substantiation to the next level of tension, no one has gotten much sleep. A fact which my mother feels the need to inform everyone of. Gah, this drink tastes awful, and I bet the diet ingredients are just a further material poison to add to all the other maledictions wreaked upon my body, mind, and soul. And the fantastic top of the cake is that my Learner's permit has expired because for some interesting reason the Fscking DMV's permit's Until entry doesn?t represent when it expires but the Expired entry does. Now, what can't be understood by the mere explanation there is that the whole apparently useless Until entry is bolded in huge letters at the bottom of the card while the vital Expired entry is a tiny mark that is very subtle and totally inconspicuous. I'm no longer even reading what I write to see if what I write even parallels what I want to say. I'm too tired and too fscking tense to pay any mind at all. So instead I need to find a way to unleash this as perhaps a warning to others that today or tomorrow I am volatile or perhaps as a memento to myself so I can recall...recall what? Oh I surrender. I am not even thinking strait even longer. White and black are no longer even minor distinctions. I've too much a burden through my own procrastination and self internment of emotions and too often borne witness to the trials of those around me to even hope to rid myself of the cross that I bear. Ah, what I'd give...to just sluff this weight of emotions and rebirth myself in a cold and heartless world where lust replaces love and the 7 deadly sins replace the 10 commandments. There's more but I shan't let my pitiful self- burden others further at the present.